What is ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)?
At its heart, ENM—or ethical non-monogamy—refers to a relationship structure where people consensually engage in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners. Unlike much riskier, less trustworthy (and less recommended!) arrangements such as having a secret affair, as the name might suggest, ethical non-monogamy is open and honest. Everyone involved in ENM knows about and is comfortable with the open relationship dynamics.
Ethical non-monogamy is built around a few key principles:
- Consent: All partners are aware of each other and have agreed to the terms of the relationship.
- Transparency: There are open discussions about needs, boundaries, and expectations.
- Mutual Respect: Each person’s feelings and desires are valued, with regular check-ins to maintain the comfort and satisfaction of everyone involved.
If monogamy is described by some as a commitment to exclusivity, you could say that ENM is a commitment to honesty and inclusivity. The key letter here is the ‘E’. Not all non-monogamous relationships are created equal; there’s a difference between ethical and unethical non-monogamy, with ethics marking the line between open and consensual vs. secretive and potentially harmful.
Types of Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships
ENM is an umbrella term for many relationship styles, each with its own unique set of dynamics. Each type of ENM relationship allows for different expressions of love, affection, and intimacy. Some prefer the emotional depth of polyamory, while others find freedom in open relationships or relationship anarchy. Let’s explore some of the most popular forms:
1. Polyamory:
In essence, polyamory embraces having multiple loving, romantic relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Rather than limiting love to one person, polyamory allows for multiple deep connections, where love doesn’t take away but rather adds to each relationship. In this setup, a polyamorous person can still have a “primary” partner, but many prefer a less exclusive dynamic.
2. Open Relationships:
In an open relationship, there will often be a primary partnership between two people, who both consent to engaging in sexual or romantic connections outside of their core relationship. This setup can look different for everyone, from casual flings and no mention of the ‘L’ word, to more committed and loving relationships outside of the primary partnership. It all depends on the needs and desires of both people.
3. Swinging:
Although more associated with the worlds of polyamory and open dating, whether in a monogamous, polyamorous or open relationship, swinging is something that partners in all dynamics may enjoy. Many people take part in swinging as a way of enhancing intimacy and passion with a primary partner by experiencing new things together. When swinging, couples will take part in sexual activities with others. Often, part of the turn-on can come from the exhibitionist and voyeuristic elements. It can be a regular recreational pastime or an occasional thrill, but should always involve boundaries and consensual agreements.
4. Relationship Anarchy:
At the heart of relationship anarchy is unique human connection. Those who call themselves relationship anarchists don’t follow predefined relationship norms. They don’t tend to agree with the hierarchical rule of romantic relationships being more important than their platonic connections. To these people, all types of human connection can be special and sacred. Therefore, they look to write their own relationship rules, based on their own unique wants and needs, rather than follow a pre-written script in a genre they don’t enjoy. Relationship anarchists make mutual agreements with partners, allowing each connection to evolve naturally without the confines of traditional expectations.
Ethical Non-Monogamy vs. Other Non-Monogamous Practices
It’s essential to understand that ENM isn’t just about having multiple partners—it’s about having multiple partners consensually. In contrast, some non-monogamous practices lack the same emphasis on ethics and transparency. Casual dating or secretive relationships without open communication don’t fit into the definition of ENM because they bypass the principles of honesty and respect. ENM’s ethical foundation is what sets it apart, prioritising the consent and well-being of everyone involved.
When exploring ENM, you might also come across the term polygamy. Although it sounds similar to polyamory, here’s what differentiates the two:
- Polyamory: This is a consensual, often romantic connection with multiple people. Polyamory is flexible and doesn’t follow strict religious or cultural norms. Instead, it’s driven by personal choice and emotional connection.
- Polygamy: This typically involves marriage and is deeply rooted in specific cultural or religious practices. It often follows a rigid structure, where one individual (usually a man) marries multiple spouses of the opposite gender. Polygamy doesn’t necessarily require open, two-way communication about needs and boundaries, whereas polyamory hinges on these principles.
So, while polygamy may have traditional roots, polyamory and other ENM practices are more equal in nature, championing mutual consent, fluidity, and open communication.
How To Form A Healthy ENM Relationship
Every type of relationship has its unique challenges, and ENM is no exception. Here are some essentials for cultivating a strong, healthy ENM relationship:
Communication and Consent
Clear, honest communication is the bedrock of any ethical non-monogamous relationship. Openly discussing needs, fears, and expectations ensures that everyone feels respected and heard. Regular check-ins can help partners address any changes in comfort levels and keep mutual trust strong.
Trust and Boundaries
Setting and respecting boundaries is crucial. Each person in an ethical non-monogamous relationship should feel safe, valued, and able to express their limits. Boundaries might cover things like how often partners check in with each other, what information they share about other relationships, or specific off-limits activities. For an ENM dynamic to thrive, trust is essential. It will help each partner to feel more secure when exploring relationships outside of their primary one.
Jealousy and Emotional Management
Yes, jealousy exists in ENM relationships. We are all only human, after all. But instead of ignoring it, ENM couples work through it together, often viewing jealousy as an opportunity for growth. Emotional management tools—like self-reflection, mindfulness meditation, DBT worksheets, journaling, or having open conversations with partners or a therapist—can make these emotions easier to navigate. Many people in ENM find that jealousy becomes less intense over time as trust and understanding build.
The Stigma Surrounding Ethical Non-Monogamy
Despite growing acceptance, ENM still faces significant stigma. Society often champions monogamy as the ideal relationship structure, meaning ENM relationships can sometimes be judged incorrectly. These stigmas are often rooted in misunderstandings, such as:
- “ENM lacks commitment.” On the contrary, many ENM relationships require even more commitment, as each partner devotes time to maintaining open, honest communication across multiple connections.
- “It’s all about sex.” Not necessarily! While some people in ENM are open to exploring sexual connections, many are also in it for emotional depth and companionship.
- “ENM is unstable.” In truth, sometimes, instability can’t be avoided, but this isn’t down to the relationship structure. People are complex, and their pasts can be too. Individual insecurities and poor communication can make relationships become unstable if not addressed. Monogamous relationships can be just as challenging if trust and communication are lacking. The remedies are self-awareness, self-work and open, honest communication.
Breaking down these misconceptions can help normalise ENM as a more socially accepted relationship style for those who feel fulfilled by it.
Is an Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationship Right for You?
ENM isn’t for everyone, and that’s perfectly okay. But if you are curious, here are a few questions that may help you determine whether it might align with your relationship values:
- How do you feel about communication and boundary-setting? People in ENM relationships must communicate well, as transparency is key. If you believe in regular, reassuring, open communication and are good at setting and respecting boundaries, this is a healthy sign.
- What are your views on traditional commitment? If you find monogamous commitments too restrictive, ENM may offer a more fulfilling relationship dynamic.
- How comfortable are you with sharing your partner? In an ENM relationship, it’s important to make sure that you’re comfortable with sharing your partner with others. If this idea excites you more than it scares you, ENM might be worth exploring.
Staying True To You
ENM is about embracing consent, communication, and openness to create a relationship style that works best for everyone involved. Whether you feel more drawn to polyamory, open relationships, or relationship anarchy, ENM can give you the flexibility to explore love and intimacy in new, open-minded ways. But it should only be explored on your own terms, without feeling pressured to do so. If your desires don’t align with your partners’, that’s totally fine.
Remember, it’s all about what makes you and your partner(s) feel valued, happy, and fulfilled. Relationship structures are as unique as the people within them. So have fun exploring where your curiosity leads you, communicate regularly, and, most importantly, always stay true to yourself.
Antonia J is a seasoned writer, editor, and consultant with over a decade of experience, specialising in topics that celebrate identity, diversity, empowerment, and intimacy. As a proud bisexual and neurodivergent woman, her work is fuelled by a passion for fostering acceptance, inclusivity, and meaningful conversations about human connection and liberation.She has collaborated with pioneering brands such as Killing Kittens, WAX, Coco de Mer, Hunger Magazine, and The Diversity Standards Collective, bringing visions to life through impactful words, creativity and storytelling. Notable contributions include crafting articles with sex and relationship experts for Killing Kittens, shaping the WAX community’s inclusive values, and conceptualising Coco de Mer & Sotheby’s “Eroticism in Art” film. This project, a collaboration with acclaimed photographer and director Rankin, drew thought-provoking parallels between the worlds of art and sex and was showcased at Sotheby’s “Erotic Passion & Desire” event in 2018. Her writing has also featured in DIVA Magazine, the leading global publication for LGBTQIA+ women and non-binary individuals.Drawing from her extensive study and lived experience, Antonia’s work explores themes such as relationship dynamics, tantra, polyamory, unicorns, shibari, mindfulness and mental health awareness. Deeply inspired by the intersections of psychology, attachment theory, and personal transformation, she brings a knowledgeable and non-judgemental voice to the evolving dialogue on modern relationships and sexual expression, and views every connection and exploration as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.