For many of us, traditional monogamy can feel a bit too rigid. Enter the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) relationship structure—a framework where you and your partner can explore connections beyond your primary relationship, but with one crucial rule: don’t share the details.
This approach has become increasingly popular within non-monogamous and polyamorous communities. It’s a way of balancing trust, emotional security, and independence. But let’s be honest—can trust really thrive in a DADT arrangement? Let’s explore.
What is a DADT Relationship?
At its core, a DADT relationship is about giving you and your partner the freedom to connect with others outside your relationship, but without knowing all the specifics. It’s not about keeping secrets—it’s about creating a boundary of what you choose to share (and not share).
DADT falls under consensual non-monogamy, a spectrum of relationship structures where couples explore alternatives to monogamy with mutual agreement. Unlike polyamory, which often emphasises emotional intimacy and full transparency, DADT prioritises autonomy and discretion.
While polyamory thrives on openness and shared communication, DADT compartmentalises external connections. It offers a way to navigate non-monogamy without diving into the full complexities of interlinked relationships.
Key Features of DADT Arrangements
So, what sets a DADT relationship apart? Let’s break it down:
- Boundaries Built on Trust: You and your partner rely on mutual trust to act responsibly without constant oversight.
- Discretion Over Disclosure: The unspoken rule is clear: What you don’t know won’t hurt you.
- Balancing Independence and Commitment: Both of you enjoy freedom while maintaining a strong foundation in your primary relationship.
DADT works well for couples who value emotional connection but prefer not to engage in the details of each other’s external relationships.
Why You Might Choose DADT in Non-Monogamy
Every relationship is unique, and DADT can appeal to those who want a specific kind of dynamic. Here are some reasons why you might find it appealing:
Preserving Emotional Security
For some, knowing too much about their partner’s external connections can feel overwhelming. By agreeing not to ask, you might avoid triggering feelings like jealousy or insecurity while still giving your partner room to explore.
Simplifying Boundaries
If you’re leaning towards monogamy but curious about non-monogamy, DADT offers a way to test the waters. It allows you to ease into non-monogamy without the complexity of managing detailed conversations about external relationships.
Reducing Emotional Strain
Some people find transparency emotionally draining. If knowing every detail feels too intense, DADT provides a framework to focus on your primary bond without emotional overload.
Allowing Exploration Without Overwhelm
If you’re curious about non-monogamy but feel daunted by the interconnected nature of polyamory, DADT offers a middle ground. You can explore new connections without feeling bogged down by constant updates or negotiations.
Respecting Privacy
For many, privacy is essential. If knowing the ins and outs of your partner’s other relationships feels invasive, DADT allows you both to maintain boundaries while honouring your primary connection.
Navigating a DADT Agreement
DADT relationships may sound simple, but making them work requires effort and thoughtfulness. Here’s how to navigate this type of dynamic successfully:
Start with Open Communication
Before diving into a DADT agreement, you and your partner need honest conversations about your needs, fears, and expectations. Remember, DADT is about mutual understanding, not avoiding tough topics.
Set Clear Expectations
What’s okay and what’s not? For example, is casual sex allowed, but emotional intimacy is off-limits? How often will you check in about the arrangement, if at all? Be clear to avoid misunderstandings.
Revisit the Agreement
Feelings and needs evolve over time. Make sure you revisit the agreement regularly to ensure it’s still working for both of you.
Prioritise Mutual Consent
Both of you need to feel fully onboard with the arrangement. If one person feels pressured into DADT, the dynamic will likely lead to resentment.
Consider External Support
Sometimes, having a neutral third party can help. A relationship counsellor or coach who understands non-monogamy can provide tools to navigate challenges and foster healthy communication.
The Downsides of DADT Relationships
While DADT can work beautifully for some, it’s not without potential pitfalls. Here are some common challenges to watch out for:
Lack of Transparency
When details aren’t shared, mistrust can creep in. If you find yourself questioning your partner’s actions, the lack of information might make those feelings worse.
Emotional Distance
By keeping external connections separate, you might unintentionally create distance within your primary relationship. Over time, this can erode intimacy.
Power Imbalances
If one partner dictates the terms more than the other, it can lead to feelings of inequality or resentment.
Risk of Misunderstanding
Ambiguous boundaries can lead to unintentional boundary-crossing. If expectations aren’t clear, you or your partner might unknowingly overstep.
Limited Opportunities for Growth
Avoiding discussions about external connections means missing out on personal growth opportunities. Conversations about jealousy or insecurity, for example, can deepen self-awareness and strengthen your relationship.
Insights from Experts and Research
Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a leading researcher in consensual non-monogamy, explains that DADT arrangements can work well for those who value privacy and autonomy. However, she cautions that failing to communicate evolving needs can lead to frustration and resentment over time. Regular check-ins are crucial.
Relationship expert Esther Perel highlights the importance of flexibility in non-monogamous dynamics. She’s observed that couples who thrive in DADT arrangements “find a balance between respecting boundaries and maintaining emotional closeness.”
The Kinsey Institute’s research into consensual non-monogamy echoes these sentiments, showing that couples who regularly revisit their agreements tend to experience higher satisfaction levels.
DADT and Polyamory: Compatibility and Tensions
While both DADT and polyamory exist within the realm of non-monogamy, they can sometimes clash. Polyamory often focuses on inclusivity and transparency, while DADT thrives on compartmentalisation.
Finding Common Ground
If you’re polyamorous, a DADT agreement might feel restrictive. However, it could also serve as a stepping stone towards a more interconnected dynamic if both partners are open to evolving the arrangement.
Emotional Intelligence Is Key
Balancing the philosophies of DADT and polyamory requires high emotional intelligence. Both you and your partner need to navigate your comfort zones while respecting each other’s values and preferences.
Managing Emotional Complexities
No relationship structure is immune to feelings like jealousy or insecurity. Successfully managing these emotions in a DADT setup requires a thoughtful, empathetic approach.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Jealousy or fear isn’t something to suppress. Instead, acknowledge and explore these emotions. What underlying needs are driving them? Addressing the root causes can help you grow.
Practice Self-Soothing
Developing self-soothing techniques like mindfulness, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend can help you process your feelings constructively.
Seek Support
Whether it’s from a therapist, coach, or supportive friend, external perspectives can provide clarity and reassurance when emotions feel overwhelming.
Monogamy, Non-Monogamy, and the Spectrum In Between
DADT relationships sit at an interesting crossroads between monogamy and more open forms of non-monogamy. They allow you and your partner to maintain some of the comforts of monogamy while exploring new possibilities.
A Bridge Between Two Worlds
By blending aspects of monogamous and non-monogamous principles, DADT offers flexibility. It can act as a starting point for couples who want to experiment without fully committing to more interconnected non-monogamous structures.
Alternatives to DADT: Exploring Other Relationship Structures
Not sure DADT is for you? Here are a few other frameworks to consider:
Open Communication Agreements
Some couples prefer complete transparency. While this requires more emotional resilience, it fosters a strong foundation of trust.
Fully Transparent Polyamory
For those who thrive on openness, fully transparent polyamory offers a chance to build deep, interconnected relationships with multiple partners.
Monogamish Dynamics
If you’re mostly monogamous but open to occasional external connections, a monogamish arrangement might feel more aligned.
Relationship Anarchy
For those who want to dismantle traditional hierarchies, relationship anarchy allows you to co-create unique dynamics with each connection.
Trust and Flexibility in DADT Dynamics
To succeed in a DADT setup, you and your partner need trust and adaptability. As your needs evolve, flexibility is key to keeping the arrangement healthy and fulfilling.
Building a Solid Foundation
- Emotional Resilience: Cultivate the ability to manage feelings like uncertainty or jealousy.
- Regular Reflection: Check in with yourself and your partner to ensure the arrangement aligns with your shared values.
- Commitment to Growth: Be open to learning and adapting as your relationship evolves.
Honouring Each Other’s Needs
As you and your partner navigate a DADT arrangement, stay attuned to changes in each other’s needs. This awareness helps ensure the relationship remains supportive and fulfilling for both of you.
Final Thoughts
DADT relationships highlight the delicate balance between trust and independence. For some, they offer emotional security and freedom. For others, they might feel limiting or disconnected.
Whatever your relationship structure, the foundation should always be mutual consent, respect, and adaptability. Whether you’re exploring DADT, polyamory, or something entirely unique, remember: the best relationship is the one that works for you.
Antonia J is a seasoned writer, editor, and consultant with over a decade of experience, specialising in topics that celebrate identity, diversity, empowerment, and intimacy. As a proud bisexual and neurodivergent woman, her work is fuelled by a passion for fostering acceptance, inclusivity, and meaningful conversations about human connection and liberation.She has collaborated with pioneering brands such as Killing Kittens, WAX, Coco de Mer, Hunger Magazine, and The Diversity Standards Collective, bringing visions to life through impactful words, creativity and storytelling. Notable contributions include crafting articles with sex and relationship experts for Killing Kittens, shaping the WAX community’s inclusive values, and conceptualising Coco de Mer & Sotheby’s “Eroticism in Art” film. This project, a collaboration with acclaimed photographer and director Rankin, drew thought-provoking parallels between the worlds of art and sex and was showcased at Sotheby’s “Erotic Passion & Desire” event in 2018. Her writing has also featured in DIVA Magazine, the leading global publication for LGBTQIA+ women and non-binary individuals.Drawing from her extensive study and lived experience, Antonia’s work explores themes such as relationship dynamics, tantra, polyamory, unicorns, shibari, mindfulness and mental health awareness. Deeply inspired by the intersections of psychology, attachment theory, and personal transformation, she brings a knowledgeable and non-judgemental voice to the evolving dialogue on modern relationships and sexual expression, and views every connection and exploration as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.