Breakups are never easy, and after the dust settles, you might find yourself wondering: Should we stay in each other’s lives? Perhaps your ex was a significant part of your world, or maybe you value their perspective and emotional support. The idea of transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship can feel comforting, but it’s not always simple.
For some, staying friends with an ex can lead to meaningful, platonic connections. For others, it can create emotional complications or delay the healing process. And if the relationship involves unhealthy dynamics, such as abuse or trauma bonds, maintaining distance is often the healthiest choice. Let’s explore what it takes to decide if staying friends with your ex is the right move for you.
Should You Be Friends With Your Ex?
The idea of staying friends with an ex is appealing for many reasons, but it’s essential to reflect on your motivations and intentions to ensure they align with your emotional well-being.
Healthy Reasons to Stay Friends
- You genuinely value their friendship and believe it can enrich both of your lives.
- You’ve both moved on emotionally, and there’s no lingering romantic tension.
- You feel comfortable seeing them with new partners or hearing about their dating life.
Unhealthy Motivations
- You’re holding onto unresolved romantic feelings or secretly hoping for reconciliation.
- You’re afraid of losing them completely, even though maintaining a friendship might hinder your healing.
- You feel obligated to stay connected, even though it’s emotionally draining.
Taking time to reflect on your reasons can help you determine whether a friendship with your ex is a healthy and positive choice.
Are You Ready to Be Friends With Your Ex?
Timing plays a crucial role in determining whether a friendship with your ex is possible. Jumping into a platonic relationship too soon can blur boundaries and create unnecessary complications.
Signs You’re Ready
- You’ve fully processed the breakup and feel at peace with the relationship’s end.
- You genuinely enjoy spending time with them without any romantic tension.
- You’re able to support their happiness, even if it involves a new partner.
When You Need More Time
- Seeing or speaking with your ex brings up feelings of sadness, jealousy, or longing.
- You find yourself relying on them for emotional support in ways that resemble your past relationship.
- You’re not yet comfortable with the idea of them dating someone new.
It’s okay to take a break to focus on your own healing before considering a friendship. Giving yourself space can help you build the emotional clarity and independence needed for a healthy connection.
Setting Boundaries for a Healthy Friendship
Boundaries are essential for ensuring a post-breakup friendship remains respectful, supportive, and truly platonic.
Define Your Communication Style
Agree on how and when you’ll communicate. For example:
- Limit late-night texts or overly personal conversations.
- Avoid discussing past romantic moments that could stir up old feelings.
- Focus on group interactions rather than one-on-one time, especially early on.
Respect New Romantic Relationships
A friendship with your ex should never interfere with your ability—or theirs—to build healthy new relationships. Be mindful of how your connection might impact future partners and establish boundaries to avoid misunderstandings.
Create New Patterns
Develop a friendship that reflects your current dynamic rather than mimicking your past relationship. This might mean finding shared hobbies or meeting occasionally in neutral, low-pressure settings.
Navigating New Relationships While Staying Friends With an Ex
Introducing a new partner into your life can change the dynamic of your friendship with an ex. Open communication and empathy are key to maintaining trust and harmony.
Be Transparent With Your New Partner
Let your new partner know about your friendship early on. Explain why you’ve chosen to remain friends and outline the boundaries you’ve established to ensure the relationship is strictly platonic.
Adapt If Necessary
If your new partner feels uneasy about your friendship, listen to their concerns without defensiveness. Be willing to adjust the nature of your interactions with your ex to prioritise the trust and security of your current relationship.
When Friendship Might Not Work
Despite the best intentions, staying friends with an ex isn’t always sustainable. Recognising when to step back is an important part of prioritising your emotional health.
Signs It’s Time to Let Go
- The friendship stirs up unresolved emotions or prevents you from moving forward.
- It causes tension in your new relationships.
- The dynamic feels one-sided or emotionally draining, with one person more invested than the other.
How to End the Friendship Respectfully
If the friendship no longer feels healthy or fulfilling, approach the conversation honestly and kindly. Acknowledge the value of your connection but explain why you need to focus on your healing or prioritise current relationships.
When a Past Relationship Involved Abuse or Trauma Bonds
If your past relationship included manipulation, control, or abuse, attempting to stay friends with your ex is not a healthy choice. Trauma bonds—intense emotional attachments formed through cycles of harm and reconciliation—can make it especially difficult to sever ties, even when doing so is the best option for your well-being.
Why Friendship Isn’t Recommended
- Reopening Wounds: Remaining in contact can prevent you from fully processing your experiences and finding closure.
- Continued Control: An abuser may use the guise of friendship to maintain influence over you.
- Healing Requires Distance: Breaking contact allows you to focus on rebuilding your independence and creating healthier patterns.
Steps to Move Forward
- Cut Off Contact: Blocking phone numbers, emails, and social media accounts can help you establish firm boundaries.
- Seek Professional Support: Therapy is a valuable tool for processing trauma, rebuilding self-esteem, and learning strategies for healthier relationships.
- Access Resources:
- In the UK, organisations like Women’s Aid or Refuge offer support for those experiencing domestic abuse.
- In the USA, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) provides free, confidential assistance 24/7.
Can Being Friends With an Ex Really Work?
The answer depends on your unique circumstances. For some, a friendship with an ex can be a meaningful and positive connection. For others, maintaining distance is necessary to ensure emotional healing and growth.
If your relationship involves abuse or unhealthy dynamics, prioritising your safety and seeking support is crucial. You deserve to focus on rebuilding your sense of self and creating connections that are based on mutual respect and kindness.
Ultimately, the right decision is the one that prioritises your emotional well-being and allows you to move forward with confidence. Whether you choose friendship or distance, remember: your healing and happiness matter most.
Antonia J is a seasoned writer, editor, and consultant with over a decade of experience, specialising in topics that celebrate identity, diversity, empowerment, and intimacy. As a proud bisexual and neurodivergent woman, her work is fuelled by a passion for fostering acceptance, inclusivity, and meaningful conversations about human connection and liberation.She has collaborated with pioneering brands such as Killing Kittens, WAX, Coco de Mer, Hunger Magazine, and The Diversity Standards Collective, bringing visions to life through impactful words, creativity and storytelling. Notable contributions include crafting articles with sex and relationship experts for Killing Kittens, shaping the WAX community’s inclusive values, and conceptualising Coco de Mer & Sotheby’s “Eroticism in Art” film. This project, a collaboration with acclaimed photographer and director Rankin, drew thought-provoking parallels between the worlds of art and sex and was showcased at Sotheby’s “Erotic Passion & Desire” event in 2018. Her writing has also featured in DIVA Magazine, the leading global publication for LGBTQIA+ women and non-binary individuals.Drawing from her extensive study and lived experience, Antonia’s work explores themes such as relationship dynamics, tantra, polyamory, unicorns, shibari, mindfulness and mental health awareness. Deeply inspired by the intersections of psychology, attachment theory, and personal transformation, she brings a knowledgeable and non-judgemental voice to the evolving dialogue on modern relationships and sexual expression, and views every connection and exploration as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.